I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
