I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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