I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
