I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
