There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize