My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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