Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
