she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize