my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize