I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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