Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
