Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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