I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize