You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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