You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Floor bacon is actually really good
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
