mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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