I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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