I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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