someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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