girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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