im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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