ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
