i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
