he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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