ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
