I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
