we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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