Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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