I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
