Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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