I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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