5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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