If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
