Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
