I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
