My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
