I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
