Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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