For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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