Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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