Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just gargled with NyQuil
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
