Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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