Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
