I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
