Cold hands, warm shart.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize