her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
