Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
