and you said cock pushups were impossible
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
