Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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