My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize