The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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