so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
