I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
