I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
