I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
