Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
