allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Boobs speak an international language.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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