You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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