I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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