Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize