Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
