yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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