My liver just broke up with me...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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