i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
