I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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