He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
