Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
